Win Ben Stein's Money/Quotes & Catchphrases

OPENING SPIELS:

1997: "Hello. I'm Ben Stein. And today, I'm going to make history. I'm going to put up $5,000 of my money. So if you're smart enough, fast enough, and if you've got the guts, you can WIN BEN STEIN'S MONEY!!!"

1998-2001: "Hello. I'm Ben Stein. And today, I'm going to make﻿ history. I'm putting up $5,000 that says I know more than you. So if you're smart enough, fast enough, and if you've got the guts, you can WIN BEN STEIN'S MONEY!!!"

2001-2003: "Hello. I'm Ben Stein. My brain is a miraculous instrument. It contains the information I use to protect my money--$5,000. I'll put it up, but I won't give it up without a fight. But if you're smart enough, quick enough, and lucky enough, you can WIN BEN STEIN'S MONEY!!!"

REST OF SPIEL: And Now, (Please Welcome), (insert funny comment here), BEN STEIN! ''Ben: (insert funny quote here) and tonight/today I'm going to put up/putting up $5000 of my money! And I'm giving these three totally strange strangers a chance to win all away from me if they've got (insert funny comment)/(They can take it all away from me) if they're smart enough, quick enough, and lucky enough.''

''Now, why have I done this? Call me crazy.''

AUDIENCE: YOU'RE CRAZY!

But also call me fairly sure that they don't have a chance against me!

''Now let's turn to the (insert funny comment here), Jimmy Kimmel/Nancy Pimental/Sal Iacono! Tell us about these (insert funny names)!’'

Round 1
"Contestants, good luck. You're gonna need it. Everyone, please turn your attention to our game board, as Jimmy/Nancy/Sal tells us our first five topics." - Ben Stein.

"In the first round, questions are worth anywhere from $50 to $150 of my money. Any time you manage to answer the question correctly, you win money, and I lose it." - Ben Stein.

"Before I lose any more cash, it's time to take a break. When we come back, we'll see how much more these (funny insult) can take away from me right after this." Ben Stein

"We're back with more of Win MY, Ben Stein's Money. Right now (insert leading contestant) has (insert score) of my money. Jimmy/Nancy/Sal, what's our new category?" - Ben Stein (telling Jimmy/Nancy/Sal what's the new category coming out of the 1st commercial break.)

"(Insert category). And (Contestant with the last correct answer), you had the last correct answer, so you'll get to pick first." - Jimmy Kimmel

"We have less than two minutes left in this round." - Jimmy Kimmel/Nancy Pimental/Sal Iacono (whenever there's less than two minutes left during Round 1.)

"(Cuckoo sounds) And that is the end of the First Round. (Insert leading contestant) has (insert score) of Ben's money, (Insert second place contestant) has (insert score) of Ben's Money. And (Last place contestant), unfortunately I'm afraid." - Jimmy Kimmel/Nancy Pimental/Sal Iacono

"Since you've only managed to take (insert lowest score) away from me, and that means we have to say goodbye and it also means I have to take back your (insert lowest score) you thought you've won." - Ben Stein (talking to the last place contestant after Round 1.)

"When we come back, these two Survivors/(funny insults) can try to get deeper into my wallet. And I will defend my money by actually becoming a contestant. Stay tuned, you might learn something/I dare you." - Ben Stein (at the start of the commercial break after Round 1.)

Round 2
"Now we'll see just how smart Ben really is as we play more of Win Ben Stein's Money!" - Jimmy Kimmel/Nancy Pimental/Sal Iacono (at the start of Round 2)

"Welcome back. As this round begins, (Contestant #1) has (Contestant #1's score) of my money, (Contestant #2) has (Contestant #2's score) of my money, and I have a mere (remaining total) remaining of my original $5,000 stake, which I will now defend by becoming a common contestant!" (stands at the 3rd player's podium, which now has his name on the plate and dollar sign on the scoreboard) - Ben Stein

"From this point forward, Ben has no advance knowledge of any of the questions to be asked. Isn't that right, Ben?" - Jimmy Kimmel/Nancy Pimental/Sal Iacono (giving the Round 2 disclaimer)

"Sadly, yes. And I'm also sad to say that the dollar amounts have obscenely risen to $200 to $500 of my money, that's if you (the two remaining contestants) get them right. If I get them right, my total remains the same, but thankfully none of my money is taken away." -Ben Stein

"And whoever has the highest score at the end of this round, whether it be (Contestant #1) or (Contestant #2), gets to play against Ben one-on-one for $5,000." - Jimmy Kimmel/Nancy Pimental/Sal Iacono (disclaimer, continued)

"Ben, it's your money, you'll get to pick first." - Jimmy Kimmel.

"We have less than one minute left in this round." - Jimmy Kimmel/Nancy Pimental/Sal Iacono (whenever there's less than one minute left during Round 2.)

"(Cuckoo sounds). That sound means the round is over. Congratulations (insert winning contestant), you have (insert score) of Ben's Money. And that means we have to say good-bye to (insert losing contestant). - Jimmy Kimmel/Nancy Pimental/Sal Iacono

"(Insert losing contestant), you've been a worthy competitor, but you're history. Since you're leaving, I get to take back your (lowest score) and add it back to my total. - Ben Stein (talking to the losing contestant after Round 2.)

Now, we've reached a final financial crush, you (winning contestant), maybe in moments of winning it all $5,000 of my money. That is if you're smarter, quicker, and luckier than I am. Stay tuned, it could get ugly/you might learn something./Stay in your seats. we'll be right back." - Ben Stein (at the start of commercial break after Round 2.)

Bonus Round Catchphrases
"Now we'll see if (insert champion's name) can win $5000 of Ben Stein's Money!" - Jimmy Kimmel/Nancy Pimental/Sal Iacono (at the start of the Best of 10 Test of Knowledge)

"Thank you, Jimmy/Nancy/Sal. (champion), congratulations. Now it's down to just you and me. So far, you've taken (main game score) away from me, and that is yours to keep no matter what happens. And now you have a chance, albeit a small one/I'd say a pretty darn good one, to walk out of here with all $5,000 of my cash, which Jimmy/Nancy/Sal is now wheeling towards us in this safe. All you have to do is beat me in what we call the Best of 10 Test of Knowledge. Could you explain it to our champion please, Jimmy/Nancy/Sal?" - Ben Stein

"Yes, Ben. (champion), I'm going to ask you and Ben the same 10 questions. If you can answer more of them than the mighty Mr. Stein, you'll win all $5,000 of his money." - Jimmy Kimmel/Nancy Pimental/Sal Iacono (explaining the Best of 10 Test of Knowledge)

"As always, I swear on (unusual object) that I have no knowledge of the questions that will be asked." - Ben Stein (explaining the bonus round disclaimer)

"I will do my best." - Ben Stein

"(Well done), you just got $5000 of Ben Stein's money! That was a very well played game! I bow to your superior knowledge! I'm impressed, I'm humbled, I hate you, get out of here, now take the money and leave, you've done enough damage here!" - Ben Stein (when he failed to beat the contestants' score)

"Well, I'm very relieved you didn't get my $5,000. However, I am humbled you'll be walking out of here with (insert main game score) of my money. So far, I managed to successfully defend (money left), which I will use to take on my next opponents." - Ben Stein (when he beat the contestants' score)

"Well, I'm very relieved you didn't beat me. However, for proving you're my intellectual equal, I'm going to give you an extra $1,000 to go with the (insert main game score); so you're leaving with a total of (insert final total) of my money. That means that today I've managed to successfully defend (money left), which I will use to take on my next opponents." - Ben Stein (when he and the contestant tied)

Taglines
"I challenge everyone to write, call, or e-mail to futility.com; in the hope, as infinitesimal as it might be, that on some distant planet, on some distant day, you might Win (echoing)... Ben (echoing)... Stein's (echoing)... Money (echoing)!" - Ben Stein (1)

"We're out of time. Until next time, when I give three more people a chance to Win (echoing)... Ben (echoing)... Stein's (echoing)... Money (echoing)!" - Ben Stein (2)